Your happiness reflects onto me, and your sadness too. But your happiness is a constant, no matter how fake, and your sadness is a constant that only I can seem to see. So we're always melencholy but we never use our words. How strange it is to be a part of something that doesn't feel the need to open their mouths to verbalise anguish. How strange it is to be.

Your hands are too big for me. Your arms. Your legs. Your heart. I want it all, I want to eat all of your sadness and capture the anger you carry on your strong shoulders, and kill it. I want our last thoughts to always be of each other. I want you to be free like the birds and wild like the salmon in the sea.

The story of my first new years eve kiss at midnight.

Okay, so I know going by the title of this post most of you are expecting a heart felt, gushy sentimental story of my first new years eve kiss and how it was magical and how fireworks started to blow as our lips met and how I melted inside when we embraced, but unfortunatley this isn't one of those stories.

My first kiss on new years eve at midnight was a little less romantic, a little less picturesque, a little less... typical.

Let me set the scene for you.

So me and my boyfriend of 7 months went to a local pub called 'The Duke of St. Albans', or to the locals, 'The Duke'. Just so you know this isn't one of those typical, nice english pubs. One of those places you'd take your family for a nice sit down meal and a glass of mulled wine near christmas. This is one of those pubs where you feel uncomfortable making eye contact with anyone. One of those pubs where you feel like you can't express yourself fully without offending someone and walking away with a black eye and a busted lip. One of those pubs where if you aren't a local, you aren't welcome. Okay, so 'The Duke' is in a place called Top Valley, don't let the name fool you. Top Valley is one of the roughest places you can live in my city and wouldn't be my first choice for a night out. Top Valley is where my boyfriend lives and even though the area is rough when i'm with him there, I feel safe. Hell, I feel safe wherever I am with him. Anyway, it was getting closer and closer to midnight and i'm waiting for the clock to strike twelve, i'm sat with my boyfriends dad and brother, sipping a pint of lager while he is off talking to some of the usuals that frequent The Duke, when he appears out of the crowd and says "meet me outside". So I throw on my oversized coat and head outside, mumbling to his brother and dad that i'm going for a cigarette. I made my way through the crowd of dancing drunk locals and out the double wooden doors and spark up a marlboro light. As i'm stood there alone I have a minute to think about what is about to happen, and the fact that in about 5 minutes it is going to be the year 2011. I got about half way down my cigarette when I hear the door open behind me, so I spun on my heel to see who it is and there's my boyfriend stood looking at me. He grabbed my arm and motioned towards the car park. We both walked down the side of the pub in the dark, past a broken wooden gate surrounded by barbed wire and in between badly parked cars. We rounded the corner and looked each other dead in the eyes.

Quietly he whispered, "it's officially twelve o'clock" and puts his arms around me and kissed me.

This is where the fireworks start and I go weak at the knees right? Not so much.

So there we are, in the depths of Top Valley, behind the roughest pub i've ever been to, at midnight making out. We kissed for a good thirty seconds until he pulled away and says "was that okay for you?" Looking into my eyes I could tell he knew it wasn't the most romantic way we could have shared a new years kiss but for some reason. It was okay for me. It was what I wanted. Sure, I was expecting all the romance that the pop songs and movies make kisses out to be, sure I had cigarette breath and I was cold, but because it was him, because it was me, because it was my first new years kiss. It was perfect.

We swiftly headed back inside where me started wishing each other a happy new year and having some more drinks when we all decided to go out for another cigarette. This is where the romance of it all goes down hill. A fight breaks out, between people in my boyfriends family and some other people from the pub. So i'm standing there, watching in awe as people argue and shove each other around, holding each other back from starting a brawl and I just looked around, looked at the fireworks going off in the distance and the chinese sky lanterns floating over head and just fell into my thoughts.

It wasn't the most romantic way I could of spent my new year, but I was with my boyfriend, who I love dearly, i'd had a good night and I got to go home with him and fall asleep in his arms. So all in all in its own way. It was the perfect, first, new years kiss.

I wish my parents didn't care that I smoked. Just so I didn't have to wait until late at night to hang out my window, taking silent drags. Then having to ninja around the house while they sleep brushing my teeth and spraying deodorant trying to mask the smell.

It would be so much easier if they just let me do what I wanted.

I'm 20 years old.

I've Fallen

And I want to play hide-and-seek,
and give you my clothes,
and tell you I like your shoes,
and sit on the steps while you take a bath,
and massage your neck,
and kiss your face,
and hold your hand,
and go for a walk,
and not mind when you eat my food,
and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day,
talk about YOUR day,
and laugh at your paranoia,
I give you tapes you don't listen to,
Watch great films,
Watch terrible films,
and tell you about the tv program I saw the night before,
and not laugh at your jokes,
and want you in the morning,
but let you sleep for a while,
and tell you how much I love your eyes,
your lips,
your neck,
your arse,
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home,
and sit on the steps smoking till you come home,
and worry when you're late,
and be amazed when you're early,
and give you sunflowers,
and go to your party and dance,
be sorry when I'm wrong,
and happy when you forgive me,
and look at your photos,
and wish I'd known you forever,
hearing your voice in my ear,
and feel your skin on my skin,
and get scared when you're angry,
I tell you you're gorgeous,
and hug you when you're anxious,
and hold you when you hurt,
and want you when I smell you,
and offend you when I touch you,
and whimper when I'm next to you,
and whimper when I'm not,
and smother you in the night,
and get cold when you take the blanket,
and hot when you don't,
and melt when you smile,
and dissolve when you laugh,
but not understand why you think I'm rejecting you,
when I'm not rejecting you,
and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you,
and wonder who you are,
but accept you anyway,
and tell you about the tree angel,
enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you,
and write poems for you,
and buy you presents you don't want,
and take them away again,
and ask you to marry me,
and you say no again,
but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it,
I always have from the first time I asked you,
and wander the city thinking it's empty without you,
but I want what you want,
and think I'm losing myself,
but i'll tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me,
because you don't deserve any less,
and answer your questions when I'd rather not,
and tell you the truth when I really don't want to,
and try to be honest because I know you prefer it,
and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life,
and forget who I am and try to get closer to you,
and somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all encompassing, heart enriching, mind expanding, on going, never ending, love, I have for you.

This is a post for Ebbie

Best. Boyfriend. Ever.
Look what he got me sjdfil;shdjflksbdfudhilsflsdhfsdl;jfhldsfiopsd

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A. You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%. You're there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most & the next day they don't pick up their phone. You give something your all & sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about someone who doesn't care enough about you to say hi once in a while. You give someone your time & they give you "sorry, I'm busy". It seems like you're giving everyone everything & they're just walking away with it.

I've honestly never felt so alone in my entire life.

There's no one there for me. No one to take care of me.

I have no one to talk to. No one to share my worries with.

No one who actually knows what i'm going through and are there to give genuinely helpful advice.

I think i've reached my limit.

I can't deal with this shit anymore.

I honestly just don't see the point in trying. The point in going on.

No one realises the lengths I go to to make people happy. No one appreciates everything or anything I do.

I'm just so lonely.