TehClakster

2011-02-05T19:43:00.000-08:00

Your happiness reflects onto me, and your sadness too. But your happiness is a constant, no matter how fake, and your sadness is a constant that only I can seem to see. So we're always melencholy but we never use our words. How strange it is to be a part of something that doesn't feel the need to open their mouths to verbalise anguish. How strange it is to be.

Your hands are too big for me. Your arms. Your legs. Your heart. I want it all, I want to eat all of your sadness and capture the anger you carry on your strong shoulders, and kill it. I want our last thoughts to always be of each other. I want you to be free like the birds and wild like the salmon in the sea.

The story of my first new years eve kiss at midnight.

2011-01-02T15:55:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I know going by the title of this post most of you are expecting a heart felt, gushy sentimental story of my first new years eve kiss and how it was magical and how fireworks started to blow as our lips met and how I melted inside when we embraced, but unfortunatley this isn't one of those stories.

My first kiss on new years eve at midnight was a little less romantic, a little less picturesque, a little less... typical.

Let me set the scene for you.

So me and my boyfriend of 7 months went to a local pub called 'The Duke of St. Albans', or to the locals, 'The Duke'. Just so you know this isn't one of those typical, nice english pubs. One of those places you'd take your family for a nice sit down meal and a glass of mulled wine near christmas. This is one of those pubs where you feel uncomfortable making eye contact with anyone. One of those pubs where you feel like you can't express yourself fully without offending someone and walking away with a black eye and a busted lip. One of those pubs where if you aren't a local, you aren't welcome. Okay, so 'The Duke' is in a place called Top Valley, don't let the name fool you. Top Valley is one of the roughest places you can live in my city and wouldn't be my first choice for a night out. Top Valley is where my boyfriend lives and even though the area is rough when i'm with him there, I feel safe. Hell, I feel safe wherever I am with him. Anyway, it was getting closer and closer to midnight and i'm waiting for the clock to strike twelve, i'm sat with my boyfriends dad and brother, sipping a pint of lager while he is off talking to some of the usuals that frequent The Duke, when he appears out of the crowd and says "meet me outside". So I throw on my oversized coat and head outside, mumbling to his brother and dad that i'm going for a cigarette. I made my way through the crowd of dancing drunk locals and out the double wooden doors and spark up a marlboro light. As i'm stood there alone I have a minute to think about what is about to happen, and the fact that in about 5 minutes it is going to be the year 2011. I got about half way down my cigarette when I hear the door open behind me, so I spun on my heel to see who it is and there's my boyfriend stood looking at me. He grabbed my arm and motioned towards the car park. We both walked down the side of the pub in the dark, past a broken wooden gate surrounded by barbed wire and in between badly parked cars. We rounded the corner and looked each other dead in the eyes.

Quietly he whispered, "it's officially twelve o'clock" and puts his arms around me and kissed me.

This is where the fireworks start and I go weak at the knees right? Not so much.

So there we are, in the depths of Top Valley, behind the roughest pub i've ever been to, at midnight making out. We kissed for a good thirty seconds until he pulled away and says "was that okay for you?" Looking into my eyes I could tell he knew it wasn't the most romantic way we could have shared a new years kiss but for some reason. It was okay for me. It was what I wanted. Sure, I was expecting all the romance that the pop songs and movies make kisses out to be, sure I had cigarette breath and I was cold, but because it was him, because it was me, because it was my first new years kiss. It was perfect.

We swiftly headed back inside where me started wishing each other a happy new year and having some more drinks when we all decided to go out for another cigarette. This is where the romance of it all goes down hill. A fight breaks out, between people in my boyfriends family and some other people from the pub. So i'm standing there, watching in awe as people argue and shove each other around, holding each other back from starting a brawl and I just looked around, looked at the fireworks going off in the distance and the chinese sky lanterns floating over head and just fell into my thoughts.

It wasn't the most romantic way I could of spent my new year, but I was with my boyfriend, who I love dearly, i'd had a good night and I got to go home with him and fall asleep in his arms. So all in all in its own way. It was the perfect, first, new years kiss.

2011-01-02T15:52:00.001-08:00

I wish my parents didn't care that I smoked. Just so I didn't have to wait until late at night to hang out my window, taking silent drags. Then having to ninja around the house while they sleep brushing my teeth and spraying deodorant trying to mask the smell.

It would be so much easier if they just let me do what I wanted.

I'm 20 years old.

I've Fallen

2010-11-21T11:25:00.000-08:00

And I want to play hide-and-seek,
and give you my clothes,
and tell you I like your shoes,
and sit on the steps while you take a bath,
and massage your neck,
and kiss your face,
and hold your hand,
and go for a walk,
and not mind when you eat my food,
and meet you at Rudy's and talk about the day,
talk about YOUR day,
and laugh at your paranoia,
I give you tapes you don't listen to,
Watch great films,
Watch terrible films,
and tell you about the tv program I saw the night before,
and not laugh at your jokes,
and want you in the morning,
but let you sleep for a while,
and tell you how much I love your eyes,
your lips,
your neck,
your arse,
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home,
and sit on the steps smoking till you come home,
and worry when you're late,
and be amazed when you're early,
and give you sunflowers,
and go to your party and dance,
be sorry when I'm wrong,
and happy when you forgive me,
and look at your photos,
and wish I'd known you forever,
hearing your voice in my ear,
and feel your skin on my skin,
and get scared when you're angry,
I tell you you're gorgeous,
and hug you when you're anxious,
and hold you when you hurt,
and want you when I smell you,
and offend you when I touch you,
and whimper when I'm next to you,
and whimper when I'm not,
and smother you in the night,
and get cold when you take the blanket,
and hot when you don't,
and melt when you smile,
and dissolve when you laugh,
but not understand why you think I'm rejecting you,
when I'm not rejecting you,
and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you,
and wonder who you are,
but accept you anyway,
and tell you about the tree angel,
enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you,
and write poems for you,
and buy you presents you don't want,
and take them away again,
and ask you to marry me,
and you say no again,
but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it,
I always have from the first time I asked you,
and wander the city thinking it's empty without you,
but I want what you want,
and think I'm losing myself,
but i'll tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me,
because you don't deserve any less,
and answer your questions when I'd rather not,
and tell you the truth when I really don't want to,
and try to be honest because I know you prefer it,
and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life,
and forget who I am and try to get closer to you,
and somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all encompassing, heart enriching, mind expanding, on going, never ending, love, I have for you.

This is a post for Ebbie

2010-10-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

Best. Boyfriend. Ever.
Look what he got me sjdfil;shdjflksbdfudhilsflsdhfsdl;jfhldsfiopsd

2010-10-03T18:02:00.001-07:00

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A. You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%. You're there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most & the next day they don't pick up their phone. You give something your all & sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about someone who doesn't care enough about you to say hi once in a while. You give someone your time & they give you "sorry, I'm busy". It seems like you're giving everyone everything & they're just walking away with it.

2010-09-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've honestly never felt so alone in my entire life.

There's no one there for me. No one to take care of me.

I have no one to talk to. No one to share my worries with.

No one who actually knows what i'm going through and are there to give genuinely helpful advice.

I think i've reached my limit.

I can't deal with this shit anymore.

I honestly just don't see the point in trying. The point in going on.

No one realises the lengths I go to to make people happy. No one appreciates everything or anything I do.

I'm just so lonely.

2010-09-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

To sum up the four hours of discussion, it’s not easy being in a relationship, much less to truly know the other one and accept them as they are with all their flaws and baggage.

He confessed to me his fear of being rejected, if I truly knew him, if he showed himself totally bare to me. He realized after four months of being with me that he didn’t know me at all and nor did I know him and to truly love each other, we needed to know the truth about each other…even if it’s not so easy to take. So I told him the truth which was that I’d never cheated on him and I also told him that I went to see the other guy that afternoon. He did not get mad at me because nothing had happened, of course.

I confessed to him that the toughest thing for me was to decide to be with someone for good. The idea that this is it, this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, to decide that I will make the effort to stay and work things out and not run off the minute there is a problem is very difficult for me.

I told him I could not be with just one man for the rest of my life; it was a lie but I said it anyway. He asked me if I thought I was a squirrel, collecting men like nuts to put away for cold winters. I thought it was quite funny. Then he said something that hurt my feelings. The tone changed drastically. Then I misunderstood what he was saying. I thought he meant that he didn’t love me anymore and that he wanted to break up.

It always fascinates me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing.

Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really loved this one.

When I think that its over, that I’ll never see him again like this… well yes, I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriends, act as if we had never been together, then we’ll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drink up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, screw around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.

There’s a moment in life where you can’t recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else’s kisses.”

♥

2010-07-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

Strange

2010-06-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

I rearranged my bedroom furniture last night. Now my bed goes along the green wall so I can lean against it and watch tv.

But for some reason, sitting sideways, leaning against my bright green wall removes all the colour from my room as everything else is white. It sort of feels like an asylum, and me being sat here in a white tshirt and light shorts makes me feel like a bit of a crazy person.

Awesome?

2010-06-02T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dream

2010-06-01T06:08:00.000-07:00

I had a dream that if I took my glasses off when I had a shower I would die.

so basically the dream was me, having a shower, with my glasses on.

That is all.

My life is turning into skins.

2010-05-30T04:50:00.000-07:00

and I fucking love it...

2010-05-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

you know,

if you stay up late,

you're just going to make it

harder for yourself,

maybe,

but i like it that way.

i like the numbness that comes with being

exhausted, the oblivion, and the quiet chaos

that exists only in my own head.

everybody elses problems are suddenly

the farthest from my own, because i have things

to deal with too.

if i'm tired i have a qualified excuse

to keep to myself at home, to evade

constant problems that dont concern

me anyway.

sometimes i don't even need to try

to block things out,

the exhaustion does it for me;

and i like that.

i've been giving up on people too easily.

if they don't call,

if they don't try

then i don't.

it's not fair to lay the blame on them

when i'm not calling either.

i'm just as much at fault.

i've got a lot of resentment for old friends

for letting me go without a fight.

I just want someone to call and say

"i miss you, how are you?".

I just want to call someone and say

"I miss you, i'm sorry".

I want to be brave enough to stay in one place.

Cassie ♥

2010-05-25T17:02:00.001-07:00

2010-05-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

I definitely need to get a life.

2010-05-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Everything Happens for a reason.

2010-05-22T13:36:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry. But I needed to document this because no one has ever made me feel like this before.

No one has ever made me feel alive like this before.

The other night, after alot of heavy drinking. Me and a good friend got a taxi back to his house, but got dropped off early because we couldn't afford to go any further.

We still had a mile or so to walk to get back to his. But we were exhausted. We started walking and came to a roundabout where we sat down for a minute. I fell back and stared at the sky. It was then I realised that where we were, you could see the stars. You can't see the stars where I live because of the city centre lights. I almost felt like crying because the last time I laid and looked at the stars was years ago. He fell back and laid next to me and we just laid there. Talking and staring at the stars in the middle of a roundabout on the outskirts of Nottingham.

He turned to me and said "I had an amazing time tonight."

I turned to him and said "Yeah, so did I."

We both rolled onto our backs and watched the stars for an hour. Until a bus came roaring around the roundabout and scared the hell out of him and he grabbed my arm. It was adorable. We both burst out laughing and couldn't stop, he jumped up and said i'll race you back to my house. So like a shot I jumped up and ran into the night. I could hear him behind me, slowly catching up. We were both running through empty, moon lit streets laughing and shouting at the top of our lungs. He grabbed my hand and we just ran and ran hand in hand.

We reached the top of his street where we both collapsed, trying to catch our breath through the laughter. When we'd both calmed down he turned to me and didn't look away. I knew what was about to happen as he leaned towards me.

He kissed me, and as he pulled away he stared into my eyes again and burst into laughter. We both did. We sat there, holding hands at 3am, silently looking at the stars. I felt infinite.

Summer

2010-05-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

One of my new years resolutions was to become truly comfortable with my body.

I'm definitely getting there.

I've spent most of the day outside, wearing 3/4 lengths and no shirt.

Horrible sight I know but I didn't care. Mainly because I knew no one would see me but usually I would be freaking out thinking "is someone going to walk around that corner and see me? *put shirt on*"

But today, not a single fuck was given.

I think i've got a couple of people to thank for me being more open about stuff like this. Not going to name names though.

Would like to say i'm well not impressed with the Huge gross love bite I found on my neck. First one i've had ever. I know when, I know who. All I will say is... You prick. ♥

Thought I should document this.

2010-05-18T02:52:00.001-07:00

I just received a text that made me smile.

It made me then laugh.

It then made me cry because I was so happy.

Crying and laughing at the same time for so many different reasons.

This is new to me.

I am so in love with my life right now.

So in love.

＿|￣|○

2010-05-16T15:28:00.000-07:00

Why is this bugging me so much.

Fuuucckking helllll~~~~

(ι´Д｀)ﾉ LIVE!!

2010-05-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

Never regret anything.

At one time it was EXACTLY what you wanted.

Friendship

2010-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

My friends are actually amazing.

I was talking to Alice on the phone yesterday, wishing her a happy birthday when she suddenly started crying.

I asked what was wrong and she was crying at the fact that so many people left her messages and sent her texts wishing her a happy birthday. She said through her tears that she was so grateful for everyone in her life and that she was happier than she'd ever been.

This then got me started, I almost ended up crying myself.

I've never heard anyone so genuinely , whole heartedly express how happy they are to have people in their life that love and care for them.

It got me thinking about how much I respect and love the people in my life and that I don't express how grateful I am for them being there.

Along with my new healthy resolution comes another. I will tell people how grateful I am the I met them and that they've affected me like they have.

It's time for one of my favourite quotes:
"I am the a result of the collective efforts of everyone around me."

:/

2010-05-04T13:58:00.001-07:00

I miss my best friend.

Pretty sure I fucked up big time...

Δ

2010-05-02T05:58:00.000-07:00

I'm a bad friend.

Before I Die.

2010-04-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

I want to have hair down to my waist.

I want to be bald.

I want to be fat.

I want to be dangerously thin.

I want to get married.

I want to get divorced.

I want to spend a night in hospital.

I want to experience the kindness of a stranger.

I want to punch someone in the face.

I want to be punched in the face.

I want to break an arm or a leg.

I want to know perfection.

I want to be happy with my body.

I want to try every drug.

I want to drink every drink.

I want to spend days at a time away from home.

I want to figure myself out.

I want to be content even if its just for a second.

I want to find a god and question it.

I want to be alive.

Perfect house party guest list

2010-04-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

Ebbie (VIP)
Simon (VIP)
Ryan (VIP)
Alice (VIP)
Ashlie
Sam
Beth
Frazer
Ainsley
Stuart
James
Damo
Lizzy

Tonight

2010-04-24T02:30:00.001-07:00

Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night. Tonight is the night.

o__o I've never been so anxious in my entire life.

Girls

2010-04-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

Girls with short hair.

Girls with ridiculously long hair pulled into a high pony tail.

Girls with shoulder length brown curly hair.

Girls in gold.

Girls in blazers.

Girls who are prim.

Girls who are proper.

Girls who swear.

Girls who smoke because they know it's bad for them.

Girls who hug.

Girls who drink.

Girls with southern accents.

Girls who genuinely live for now.

Girls who want to take me with them along for the ride.

Employment

2010-04-23T16:01:00.000-07:00

I got a job interview.

Went to job interview.

Waited for a call back.

Didn't get one.

Parents are making out I didn't put my whole heart into the interview and are making me feel bad about it.

I gave everything I could to sell myself and put myself across as hireable but it wasn't enough.

Now my parents are intent on ruining my weekend.

I'm supposed to be going to town with Ebbie, Laura, Simon, Bekky, Ryan and Alice. but my parents are intent on not letting me have a good night.

All I ask for is one good night. Just one. But no, they feel the need to fuck it up and ruin my chances.

Tomorrow was supposed to be special. Tomorrow was supposed to be the night that awesome things happened to me. Tomorrow night is fucked up already and it hasn't even hit midnight yet.

Today

2010-04-14T03:17:00.001-07:00

Today feels like a mope around the house feeling sorry for myself day. but I have college. I get to see my awesome friends so hopefully they'll cheer me up.

Getting pretty sick of being single...

2010-04-13T18:19:00.001-07:00

Friends

2010-04-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

I feel so lost right now. Like in what I want to do in life and in who I am as a person.

I've come to a point where all my interests are conflicting with one another. I've experienced alot and feel that there are quite a few different paths I could travel down that would result in me being completely different people. But I have no idea which one to choose and that scares the living hell out of me.

I love my friends. I love the people in my life. I don't feel like I have a family. I'm incapable of getting a job.

I'm at that awkward stage with my new friends where we aren't close enough to hang out all day at each others houses. But we can hang out all day at college or in town and have an amazing time. I need to break down these awkward barriers and just go for it. This could turn into some Gurren Lagann-esque speech but i'm not gonna go there.

What sucks the most is the fact that the group of people I want to be close to already have a large group of friends that they are incredibly close to. So when I hang around with them I feel like a bit of a 5th wheel, as if i'm laughing at an inside joke i'm not in on.

I'm going to find a way around this because I need these people in my life. I love them so much.

Insurance

2010-04-10T11:06:00.001-07:00

Pretty sure my parents are schizophrenic hypocrites. I'm sure of the later.

2010-04-10T07:41:00.001-07:00

I hate summer.

2010-04-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

I hate her crooked teeth.
I hate her 1960s haircut.
I hate her knobby knees.
I hate her cockroach shaped splotch on her neck.
I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks.
I hate the way she sounds when she laughs.
I HATE THIS SONG.

Just some favourite Movie quotes.

2010-04-03T15:36:00.000-07:00

500 Days of Summer:
"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated."

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life."

"If Tom had learned anything... it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence. That's all anything ever is. Nothing more than coincidence."

Enduring Love:
"When we say we're in love, what does it mean? Could it be that this complex, dazzling, transformative feeling is just an illusion? Could it be just a trick? A trick played on us by nature just to make us fuck? We imagine that love is meaningful. But, could it in fact be... meaningless?"

La science des rêves:
"Distraction is an obstruction for the construction."

"P. S. R. Parallel Synchronized Randomness. An interesting brain rarity and our subject for today. Two people walk in opposite directions at the same time and then they make the same decision at the same time. Then they correct it, and then they correct it, and then they correct it, and then they correct it, and then they correct it. Basically, in a mathematical world these two little guys will stay looped for the end of time. The brain is the most complex thing in the universe and it's right behind the nose."

"You know, sometimes I wear my jeans for more than a week until they're really bad. And it makes me feel closer to you."

Adam:
"Liars is all you gonna run across in this world. A mans gotta learn the difference between just plain liars, and liars, worth lovin."

My Perfect Circle of Friends.

2010-03-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life and what kinds of people I want in my life permanently.

There are many different kinds of people i'd like to interact with and what sorts of activities I could do with them would all be different.

Okay so...

The Characters i've already met.

The Ebbie Character:
The perfect best friend figure. Can divulge my 'otaku-esque' interests with her and talk about anything serious. Ebbie fits this role perfect as she reminds me of myself and she just, gets me. Not worrying about how I look cause i'm having too much of a good time.

The Ryan Character:
The male best friend. Constantly joking but could easily turn into a serious conversation. Go out partying and getting drunk together. Relying on each other and not worrying about consequences. Thinking about how I look as he is a well dressed good looking guy. Act childish and mature.

The Sam Character:
Just constantly joking. Throwing insults at each other without worrying about causing offence. Not really to the point where we can hang out comfortably outside of college but getting there. Not bothering how im dressed or what impression to make. Constantly acting childish.

The Alice character:
Once again, another close friend that i can laugh and joke with and also gossip and have a serious conversation with. Acting Mature.

The Ainsley Character:
Laugh and joke when mixed with any of the above characters throwing insults back and forth but when it's just us the conversation dies out a little. Turning to stuff we know about each other. Usually talking about other characters, college or macs. Act childish around him and go out partying.

The Characters i'm yet to meet or would like to be in my life:

The Jonny/Intellectual Hipster Character:
'Jonny' refers to my tutor. He is an amazing guy and I would love to meet someone just like him but my own age and going through the same experiences. The intellectual glasses, none clumsy, character type. The kind of guy you'd sit around with in a coffee shop discussing films and media theory with. Laughing and joking but finding time for serious and educated conversation. Worry about how to dress around him as he seems to have a fashion sense but its all natural and comes out in his normal attire. acting mature constantly. Dressing semi formal.

The Extrovert Female Character:
The crazy girl type. She never says no to anything and has done everything. Not a tear away, just an individual. Not worrying about how to dress around her. Constantly going out and making plans with her. Hanging out, drinking, listening to music. Childish and mature. Serious conversations could be had but not for long periods of time.

The Best friend Character:
Although i've already covered a lot of this in the 'Ebbie' section. This is the character that you don't get one without the other. Constantly together. Staying at each others houses. No worries about what the other thinks because it's probably the same as whats going off in my own head. Can be immature and serious. Go everywhere together possibly even live together. Preferably male.

The 'Gay' best friend Character:
Male, Obviously. Not overly 'camp' or 'feminine', not completely obsessed with the fact that he is gay. Hardly ever mentions it but between me and him its something we talk about. No sort of feelings to pass between us other then just friendship. He's not the kind of gay guy that as soon as he finds out someone else is gay is all over them. Doesn't fall for every single good looking person. Talk about anything, always together. Look similar and have same fashion sense.

I believe thats it.

Kay bye.

all the single ladies :|

2010-03-29T18:37:00.001-07:00

You might think this really lame and desperate but I feel like doing a survey and this one came up so shut up.

(Oh god,I'm going to be single forever after reading how picky I am)

Perfect Partner Survey:

Are you single or taken?
Single

Do you have a crush on anyone right now?
I think I do.

Are u going to tell us their name?
Begins with an R.

Do they like you?
Not like that, I don't think.

Do they know you like them/ do you want them to know?
They don't know and I don't want them to.

so to your perfect partner....
what colour hair?
Any

hair style?
Not long, not too short.

hair length?
See above. I don't like long hair on guys, but then I don't like skin heads xD

what colour eyes?
any

what shape face?
erm what?

build?
Slender

height?
I want to say taller than me, but then they would be weirdly tall to other people, just I don't like being the taller one in a relationship. Meh, I wish I were shorter.

beautiful or sweet?
sweet

shy or outgoing?
Outgoing

loving or distant?
loving, what kind of question is that?

smoke?
I'd much prefer it if they didn't, but I smoke when I drink so I guess i'm not one to judge.

drink?
Yeah, but not some raging alcoholic xD

does drugs?
Depends.

tattoos/piercings?
Not excessive.

what would they like doing?
Making things, I can't stand people that don't want to leave a mark or be remembered.

artistic or athletic?
artistic

independant or clingy?
a mixture please. :D

what clothes would they wear?
I really don't mind, as long as its not like, stilletos and a feather boa xD

would you hug often?
yes

would you kiss often?
yep

how often would you have sex?
._. yeah cause thats what I want to discuss...

would it be important in your relationship?
I don't think so, obviously its a big thing but its not the first thing on my mind.

fully describe their personality
Caring, not too outgoing cause i'd get super jealous when they can talk to people easier than me.

fully describe their appearance
Okay, can't.

where would you live?
Together? xD Nottingham hopefully.

would you get married?
I don't know, I'm still weird about gay marriage and all that.

would you have children?
Once again, I don't know.

which side of the bed would you like?
Right

sleep in each others arms or apart?
depends.

will you ever meet this person or have you already met them?
Already met my crush, still yet to meet the one xD Bit young at the moment.

Older or younger?
Preferbly same age but if not, slightly older.

Serious or carefree?
A mixture

Spontanious or hesitant?
Once again, somewhere inbetween.

Brutally honest or tight-lipped?
see above answer ;>>

Beautiful or intelligent?
ffs,

Movie or a resturant?
Movie. I'm weird about people watching me eat.

What film actor should they most be like?
What is this I don't even.

What singer should they most be like?
I can't be arsed with this anymore, i'll stay single thanks.

Should they make all the money?
No, I hate depending on others for money.

Do they need to cook?
Not really. xD GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SAMMICH

What is their best body part?
BRAINZ

What body part do you not care about?
Feet? lolwut

Desk job or physical labour?
Either

What car should they drive?
Doesn't matter (seriously wtf)

What one thing completely turns you off?
erm. Football? xD I suck.

What one thing completely turns you on?
erm... Next question ('>__>)

HEY HEY HEY HEY

2010-03-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

(From left to right, Mackie, Ryan and Ashley)

Hey blog how's it going?

Okay, this is going to be a positive blog because I feel absolutely, utterly and fucking incredibly amazing. I can't believe how much my life has changed in the past few weeks and how much better I feel about myself, who i am, where i am and the people around me.

If I could meet myself from 1 year ago I most definitely would not recognize myself. Confetti has changed me. I'm completely fine with who I am. I don't care about what people think about me. I think thats the first time i've ever said that in my entire life and truly meant it. I have made an amazing little circle of friends from Confetti and they make me feel brilliant. They accept everything about me, they know how to make me laugh and feel wanted.

Incase you can't tell I'm extremely happy. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I used to dream of being that guy who has lots of friends, going out every night to parties and clubs and going drinking with friends. It finally happened. I turned into that guy. I don't know when, I don't know how but it happened. Last night I went to rescue rooms with Alice, Ashley and Ryan to hang out and have a couple of drinks. We ended up getting into rescue rooms for free, finding an unlocked back door and getting into stealth and a gig with temper tea for free. I went out with $25 and came home with $15. All I had to pay for were drinks and travel. I bought Ryan a couple of drinks as well.

I fucking love those guys so much and I'm just so happy that I can be myself around them. I'm actually comfortable with my sense of humour and how I look around them.

Alice, is a brilliant girl, we met first in Budapest because I was looking after her because her girlfriend was being a complete dick. So we got to know each other really well.

Ryan, oh my god. This guy is fucking epic. He knows how to make me laugh and he knows my sense of humour. He is just all round incredible. I met him on the first day at Confetti because he's in my VS9 group. I have all my lessons with him so we always have a laugh.

Ashley is one of my newer friends, first time I met her she was off her face drunk and screaming down my ear about her boyfriend. Then she outed me to everyone at Confetti. It was hilarious how she did it though because no one believed her because she was so messy. But yeah she is hilarious and really down to earth. Even though she likes gatecrasher, WHAT WHAT HEY HEY *thriller pose* ohhhhh my god.

Okay, I think this is getting too long now. (thats what she said)

Until next time blog, laters

Oh what a wonderful thing...

2010-03-07T14:47:00.000-08:00

I want to get back into the routine of blogging, I don't really express my inner thoughts any more so I think it would be healthy to have a place a can do that, and on a regular basis.

This blog comes in three parts, the first part is money.

Never in my life has money been such an over ruling reoccurring theme. Everywhere I turn there seems to be someone asking for money. I have so much stuff to pay for and it makes me sad that I have to sacrifice so much just to get by, and i'm not even paying for food or accommodation. I'm going to be so screwed when it comes to the time where I have to pay for everything myself. I have to pay £45 for amecon, I have to pay £12 a week for travel, I have to save £278 for a holiday, £75 of which needs to be paid for really soon. It's really starting to get to me, the amount of money i'm having to borrow from my parents actually makes me not want to be alive. I hate asking for things and relying on people.

The second part of this blog will be Confetti.

Okay so I have been thinking about what i'm doing with my life at the moment and if it's actually what I want to be doing. Every other day I go into Confetti, sit there through lectures and seminars about editing and film theory and then go home and don't think about it. During lectures I watch the clock and wait to go home. My interest in media and video production is wavering. I can't seem to pull any ideas together for short films and frankly I don't care enough to do it. It's getting to the point where i'm taking into serious consideration what I want to do with my life and whether or not Confetti is just wasting my time on a passing childish hobby. The only reason I really stay there is because I think the people there are amazing.

and that leads us nicely onto part 3. Part 3 is about people.

Fuck I miss people.

It's all well and good when i'm in college and hanging out with the guys from Confetti but as soon as it hits 6 o'clock and we all head our separate ways, it hurts. The fact that for 7 months i've been trying to forge a relationship with these people that extends further than Confetti's front door. I don't understand what i'm doing wrong.

There are also other reasons why I want our friendships to lead further than college. I've met someone who I can be myself around, like 100% myself. I want, no, I need this person in my life. When i'm with them I just can't help but feel safe and confident. The way we can talk about anything and make stupid jokes together makes me not want the day to end. It may be a passing crush, it may just be because this is the only person from Confetti to actually reach out to me. But i've not felt this strongly head over heels about anyone before. But if the only time I ever see them is in college then I don't really see our relationship going past more than good friends. I don't know what it is about them that makes me feel so at ease. Their personalty is amazing, they're kind, they're funny, and they're incredibly considerate.

Anyway, enough about that, I need to get some sleep. Goodnight blogspot.

Family Matters... really?

2010-02-24T13:09:00.001-08:00

I haven't posted a serious blog in a while and i've had a lot on my mind for the past few weeks.

Okay, so my family is one of those families that taken so many hits that we got really spread out and have pretty much nothing to do with each other. I'm gonna list out my family tree pretty much so here goes. Well it's not a tree, more like family maths.

Mum's Side:

Grandad (John) + Dorothy (Grandad's wife) + My Grama (Kath [rip]).

Mum (Elaine) + Dad (Colin) = Me (Nick) + Brother (Alastair).

Mum + Dad = Divorce.

Mum = Me + Brother.

Mum + Step Dad (Malcolm)

Mum + Step Dad = Divorce

Mum + Fiancee (Tony) = Step Brother (Jamie) + Step Sister (Shelby) + Step Sister (Jordan).

Aunty (Wendy) + Uncle (Jim) = Cousin (Adam) + Cousin (Nicola)

Cousin (Nicola) + Boyfriend (?) = Cousin (Amy)

Dad's side:

Grandad (John) + Nan (Mary).

Dad + New wife (Louise) = Half brother (Sam) + Half Sister (Hannah).

Dad + New wife = Divorce.

Aunty (Sharon) + Uncle (Andy) = Cousin (Leanne) + Cousin (Molly)

Aunty (Angela) + Uncle (Ray) = Cousin (Ted) + Cousin (Jennifer)

I'm not close to any of these people, I hardly know anything about them. I'm not saying i'm all that interested in finding out. When I was younger I used to think I was adopted simply because i'm nothing like anyone in my family. None of our personalities match. The only thing that reminds me I actually came from this family is my similarity in appearance to my Dad, Mum and my Cousins Nicola and Adam.

I'm not sure why family is such a weird subject for me. I guess it's cause so much has happened to us through the years that we've just been broken off. I've been through 3 divorces, i'm the middle child of 7. I never knew my real grama on my mum's side. I live miles away from any of my family and have no means of reaching them.

Because my mum and dad got divorced when I was so young I wasn't able to grow up surrounded by cousin's like most people. My cousin's on my mum's side were already teenagers when I was born and I never see my cousins on my dad's side because they're all so much younger than me.

My step brother and step sisters are completely different to me and frankly I don't care enough to get to know them.

My mum and her new fiancee Tony are to be married. But because i've already been through 3 divorces involving my parents, my view on marriage has been completely skewed. I don't want to connect with Tony or his children simply because I don't want to be hurt if it were to all fall apart.

I've been thinking a lot about my family and whether i will actually keep contact with them once I move away. Part of me wants to cut them all off completely, start a new life, make new relationships. Find my own family of sorts.

I'm hoping that some time in the VERY near future I will be able to fund leaving home. Although job hunting isn't looking very fruitful, i'm keeping my hopes up. I need to get out of Nottinghamshire.

I've been in Nottingham or its surrounding areas for 19 years. It's getting old, I need new scenery, new buildings, new people. I just want to disappear and wake up as someone else, somewhere else. I want to tramp my perpetual journey.

I know this will remain a footnote in the back of my mind on the unimportant pages of the internet that won't be read. Nobody actually reads this blog anyway so I kind of feel like this is all for nothing.

Oh well. Farewell.

Don't.

2010-01-19T16:08:00.000-08:00

I feel so cripplingly lonely in life at the moment, i'm not sure how much longer I can go on kidding myself that I actually still have friends. I feel myself breaking and there's literally fuck all I can do about it. I can't talk to anyone about anything, people around me are nothing more than acquaintances, two dimensional background characters.

I need someone to spend time with, I need someone I can confide my worries in. I need someone to hug, someone to make me feel human. I'm so fucking detached from everyone around me and they'll never know how much it's killing me. I need my best friend by my side.

Although this seems like another 'emo' ramble, I genuinely feel like I can't cope with this anymore, this mediocre, day to day style of life i've found myself in. I get wrapped up in my own little world with my own little mediocre interests that don't benefit me in anyway and I have no one to share it with, no matter how pointless it is, it'd still be nice to share it with someone.

This isn't an "i'm fed up of being single" rant. This is an "i'm sick of going without any form of human contact for days at a time" rant. I can't seem to reach out to anyone. I just want someone to come into my life who I can be myself around, not this fake, laugh at all your jokes Nicholas Claxton that is a complete cunt.

Sometimes I think i'd feel better if I were diagnosed with some sort of illness that prevents me from making human contact, then it'd give me some indication that it's not my fault. That I can take this crushing blame off of myself and place it on this, 'thing' stopping me. but that's not going to happen. There's nothing wrong with me, i'm just the kind of person that isn't supposed to be surrounded by friends. I fucking hate that i'm not that person. Everyday I see people laughing and joking surrounded by people and I can't deal with it. It's not through lack of trying that I don't have friends, i've tried. I've tried inviting people from college to go out so I can get to know them on a personal basis. But every time my plans have been shot down. I need someone who will make the effort to involve me.

I want someone to magically appear, and make everything better. I want to be able to be myself and not worry about what people think. I don't want to have to worry about beliefs, genders, sexual orientations, money, travel or what other people think.

I just need a friend.

I'm sorry anyone that reads this but I had to vent, and being the complete social retard I am I couldn't do it to anyones face. There's only one person I could really say all this to and i'm sure she wouldn't want to hear it.

Once again. Sorry.

@Ebbie. I am not robot beep.

2010-01-08T15:54:00.000-08:00

DAMMIT CLANNAD. Why did you have to go and do that D,=

The Disappearance of Nicholas Claxton

2010-01-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

I don't understand why I can't get out of this emotional slump.

Anonymous letters time:

===============================================

Sure I can put on a happy face, I can laugh along to your jokes and act like we are going to be friends, but it makes me sad that you don't realise how much you're hurting me.

I love you, you seem to be the only person in this life I have a real connection to. It makes me both happy and sad that I can only share this kind of bond with one person in my life.

Why do you refuse to give me any sort of recognition?

I think it's too late for this to work. We're never going to be close. I'm sorry i'm not the person you want me to be.

You can't comprehend how much hatred I have for you.

I don't understand you, yet we are made to like each other through a common ground. I wish we could actually open up to one another.

Sorry I don't know who you are. I've had 19 years to try and understand you but I can't.

You are the person I want to grow up to be. Just being in your presence inspires me to do great things.

I've lost all hope in your judgement and your inability to recognise when you are wrong.

Bitch. Grow the fuck up.

===============================================

And they will find you///

2009-12-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

I feel like my strings are breaking. Nottingham is fast becoming a paper town...

Cannot deal

I was right.....

2009-12-28T14:45:00.001-08:00

...About Frankie. and now im single.

oarsum.

2009-12-24T14:53:00.001-08:00

I saw a guy at the Pantomime that was Frankie's clone. It made me sad. I miss Frankie.

I don't think he misses me though...

Had to be done.

2009-12-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

5:13am

2009-12-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

Cannot sleep for the following reasons:

-The christmas lights outside my window are making my room feel like some cheap strobe nightclub.

-My brother is snoring on the other side of the wall.

-There's a house alarm going off somewhere on my street.

-It's fucking freezing in my room.

-I'm so hungry that I have stomach cramp.

-It's raining.

-The wind is making the christmas lights bang against my window.

The Railway House

2009-12-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

I havn't posted a 'real' blog since October, all of them have been random lists and random quotes. Here is a genuine update blog.

Okay, lets get the minor details out of the way.

I got a haircut, I got a Mac.

I finally got settled into Confetti, i've made some great friends and I feel as though im genuinley getting really close to them. I'm also feeling alot more independent lately as i've hardly spent any time at home. A few nights ago I went to my first film festival and it was incredible, it started of with me and Adam hanging around, feeling really out of place, not knowing anyone but our tutor who was rushing around talking to everyone. Eventually we got into the theatre and sat through a retrospective of Simon Ellis' short films. Then after there was a Q&A with him.

We left the theatre and stood around in the lobby, Adam had to leave but I really didn't want to and was saved by Stuart, I guy from our course who none of us really knew but I already knew he was a good guy. So after Adam left me and Stuart hung around drinking and getting to know Simon Ellis' (I got his email so I shall be getting in touch begging for runner jobs)

Yeah so I spent the night trading anecdotes and getting very drunk with Stuart until eventually our tutor showed up again and we sat talking to him and found out that a film he had edited was showing and we decided to stay and watch. It was really enjoyable and an all round great night. I feel like i've made a good friend out of Stuart, even though I havn't spoken to him since that night. But I know he's going on the budapest trip so i'll get to talk to him again.

Oh, that's another thing. There is alot of travel in my not so distant future. In 3 days I shall be flying with the family to Florida for 2 weeks and then in February i'll be going to budapest with college.

I'm still not in a Christmas mood yet and I really don't want to be 19.

At this moment in time (1:50am) I should really be sleeping or doing my essay. I still havn't finished and still have a CV to do after that, I can see an all nighter coming on. I'm at college at 12 in the morning but i've got to go into town to pick up my mum's christmas present. Oh, college, just need a moment to brag, I did my camera licence and got a distinction, A FUCKING DISTINCTION, ME!? wtf. So yeah I was pretty happy about that and I had a good chat with Chris (my other tutor) about it.

I'm looking forward to friendsmas, i'm not looking forward to giving gifts as I am still yet to buy them. I suck, hardcore.

Okay I think on that note i'm gonna crack on with this essay so I can sleep. Goodbye for another month or so!

It's been a while.

2009-11-25T16:37:00.000-08:00

I need some form of physical human contact. I haven't hugged someone in so long. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable and complacent.

I'm not close enough to anyone from Confetti to hug them. I'm not close enough to Ebbie or Frankie (Geographically) to hug them.

This makes me a sad Claky.

Green/////Blue

2009-10-15T12:30:00.000-07:00

Wait. Do you feel better?

I'm going to work

I just wanted to know if your okay.

Yeah I'm super fine thanks.

So I get it, so you dont want to be my friend anymore?

No! I don't want to be your friend anymore!I don't want to be your friend anymore! Do I have to nail it on your door? "I don't want to be your friend."

No you, you can't, you can't stop being my friend.it's not something people can decide.

Oh yeah they can. People have an argument and they stop talking to each other.

Okay then lets have a date or something and we can talk about things if thats whats you

want.

Whats the point you'll just want me as your friend and then you'll have a really nice

boyfriend and that will kill me.

>_O

2009-10-08T13:59:00.001-07:00

C-CAN'T... B-BREATHE...!

Last Night

2009-10-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

So last night was... Different.

I went to College as normal but instead of having my normal lecture our whole group went to the cinema to see "Let the right one in" After which I stood around the bar with a few of my tutors discussing what we thought of the film. It was such a bizzare experience to be stood with my 'teachers' laughing and joking while they had alcohol in their hand. I don't know why, I guess its cause I was so used to being made to feel like I was on a lower level with the teachers at Ashfield, but at Confetti, i'm treated as an equal.

Anyway, after the cinema I hopped on a bus and got into kirkby about an hour later. I hung around outside the badger box for a little while waiting for James to pick me up when this group of people walked past, all about my age, all seemed pretty drunk and I ended up standing talking to this group of total strangers just because one of the guys saw me eating a chocolate bar and ran over shouting CHOCOLATE. I was extremley confused. After a while they all wandered off and not too long after that James pulled up and we sped off into kirkby.

After standing and talking to James' mum for ages while James was showering and stuff we walked up into kirkby and went into the nags head pub where we had a couple of drinks and had a good catch up. After like an hour and a half we walked down to Londis where James saw some girls that he knew and we ended up sat talking to them when James gets a call from his cousin who said shes in town and wanted to hang out so she and her friend picked us up and drove us into sutton. (Getting into a strangers car FTW!)

Realised everything was closed in Sutton so we headed back to Kirkby and sat in a pretty empty Wagon & Horses pub. It had been turned into a night club, where there was nobody dancing, except a small group of guys... that owned the pub. I lol'd.

Eventually we got bored and wandered back to sutton to meet James', Cousin's, Friend's boyfriend. Who said we should go back down there cause things might have opened up. They hadn't. We thought to get a taxi back because we couldnt be bothered to walk but then walked anyway. Half way through sutton and some random car pulls up and it was a friend of James' cousin so getting into a strangers car PART 2. We ended up back in the Wagon and Horses for a good two hours where we sat drinking and laughing at the people that had shown up dancing.

About this time it was half 3 so we all went our seperate ways and me and James went back to his house.

Awesome night was awesome. It would have been better if certain people were there and it wasn't in Kirkby. ahaha

I think thats a sufficient blog post, anyway. GOODBYE.

2009-09-23T16:25:00.001-07:00

Nottingham

2009-09-22T10:17:00.001-07:00

I'm so fucking sick of this city.

All my surroundings are constantly the same.

The only difference now is that I have Confetti, i've been on the tour, i've seen all there is to see, now I have to work that into my routine.

Thats the problem. I'm sick of seeing the same things, same faces, same places, same fucking mundane experiences. Same lacking in friends.

Everyone else is fine, getting along fine. Making new friends, out in the world. Meanwhile i'm still sat at home living with the fucking parents.

I can't change my surroundings without consequences, i'm stuck in Nottingham for the next 2 years at Confetti. Hopefully at some point i'll get a job, i'll move out, I'll actually leave the city, or even the country.

I just need something new before I lose it...

2009-09-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

Getting pretty sick of this...

Memory Fail

2009-09-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

I keep forgetting to update this.

My last post is irrelvant. Everyone is in my group. Well, everyone is in a large group that has 3 sub groups, Adam is in my sub group, in VS9-2 everyone else got into VS9-3, Vaughn is in VS9-1.
We will all still see each other, but only at lunch and when we sign out at the end of the day. I;m okay with that.
I've started making really good friends with Rachel and Adam. Rachel and I were sat for ages talking about heroes, pets, music tastes and what we did over the summer and me and Adam made random jokes about stuff we experienced. Adam reminds me of Damo. We don't have to be doing anything or talking much to feel comfortable.

VS9-2, my group. Is full of 'chavs' so to speak. They all wear trackies. I don't think there was a single one of them not wearing a horrible gold chain.
So my group consists of:
Me and Adam
The Chav boys
NYEEEHHHHH - pronounced Nora.
Hannah
and quiet girl in the corner.

I'm hoping from monday onwards i'll meet new people and actually be able to leave the house feeling like I have friends. Turns out a bunch of people in my group are on Dailybooth, so thats a big help.

I don't think there is much more for me to write here. Nothing major has been going on lately, just waiting for college to start up.

I miss Ebbie
I miss Simon
I miss Damo
I miss James

EMO MODE ... OVER.

ps. FRANKIE RULEZ. xD

Confetti

2009-09-14T02:46:00.000-07:00

I'm pissed.

I found out that none of the people I made friends with at Confetti on the induction are going to be in my group.

Rachel, Heather and Frazer are in the group above me.
Adam and Joe aren't going anymore.
Vaughn has disappeared off the face of the earth.

I have to put myself through the awkwardness again and i'm not looking forward to it.

I miss Ebbie, Simon, James and Damo.

Everything in my iTunes is pissing me off.

It's not a good day...

Hunger

2009-09-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so freaking hungry.
I don't know why but for the past few days I havn't been satisfied with what i've eaten. I've eaten loads and loads, more than usual. But I need more. I'm just constantly hungry.

I don't understand it.

I can eat until I feel like i'll be sick but within 20 minutes i'll be starving again.

I don't know if it's my irregular diet, the fact that I eat meals late at night or if it's cause I go days without set meals just eating randomly.

I don't know. It's weird. I don't like it.

So far today i've eaten, 3 Bowls of cereal, 2 packs of jaffa cakes, a tub of mini oreos, 2 yoghurts, a cheese and marmite sandwhich, 2 quorn bacon cobs with cheese, 3 bags of iced gems, 3 bags of salt and vinegar crisps, a pack of starburst and 4 cans of 7up.

The weird thing is that i'm still not putting on weight.

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

2009-09-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

I have a Huge love for this film, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I just finished watching it again for the first time in forever and I had forgotten how incredibley entertaining it actually was. It's basically the story of a kid ditching school with his best friend and girlfriend to explore the city of chicago in his best friend's father's ferrari. While running rings around the dean of students who is out to expose Ferris for ditching school.

If you havn't seen this film before... seriously, where the eff have you been?

I think Matthew Broderick is my all time favourite actor and as Ferris Bueller his awesomeness levels just shoot through the roof.

Raised Eyebrow

2009-08-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

This photo depicts my feelings for the past few days perfectly. I feel like im living in a closed space. I have never spent so much time sat in front of my computer before. It's not good.

I get to see Ebbie tomorow. I'm looking forward to it more than she probably is, I need some human contact that isn't family.

I need to get out of this closed space and rediscover the world. The city. People.

Once college begins I believe I will actually see a point in waking up each morning.

I have awful bags under my eyes from staying up until 4am. I have a hunch from leaning over my keyboard. I'm unshaven and smelly because I don't see the point in showering if it's just for my own well being. My own well being doesn't see why I even bothered waking up.

...

2009-08-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

Tomorow will consist of.

Waking up.
Watching 'The Girl Who Leapt Through Time"
Watching 'Ferris Beaulers Day Off"
Talking to Ebbie &/or Frankie &/or Simon.
Eating
Dailyboothing.
Sitting staring at the computer until 2am.

Repeat. Replacing movies.

So fucking sick of this.

What the Eff!?

2009-08-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a leaf out of Simon's book and i'm going to try and start censoring myself.
"What the eff" is my new favourite phrase.

...and somehow I have found myself sat at the PC at 3:05 in the morning. For like the 4th time this week. I need to fix my body clock and my mind.

New music = Amazing.
Friends = Amazing.
Life= Dull.

Someone get me out of this house...

please...

Lost in Translation.

2009-08-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

I so sick of how out of touch I am at the moment.
I remember a time when I would actually feel emotion, actually feel upset, or happy or super excited. But over the past couple of months my mood has just been, none existant pretty much. I'm just feel so indifferent about everything. I feel like i'm going fucking insane.

I remember, I used to sit and watch a film, Garden State, Science of Sleep, Lost in Translation etc, and actually go up and down following it, and really getting into it feeling comfortable. But im so fucking indifferent at the moment, I don't have the patience to even put the DVD in. It just seems like a waste of time. I feel like i'm loosing my humanity as stupid and over exagerated as that sounds. I just can't change how I feel, my moods have gotten to a superficial level where my mind is trying to make everything down to earth and logical, I can't take anything to heart and get into anything. All my music that I used to listen to to change my mood, has no effect.

I felt like I needed to get back into the way my moods used to work, I woke up at 4am to sit and watch the sun come up, then after my parents left I took all my duvets down stairs and sat to watch a movie with a cup of tea. The whole time, the back of my mind was screaming "WTF are you doing!? you're wasting time!"

I don't know whats happening to me. My sentimentality is slipping away, I never even noticed when it started. It stresses me out to the point that I just want to shout fuck it and start throwing things, which I would never do in the past but lately it could have happened on many occasions.

I don't know, i'm forgeting who i am, or who I want to be. I feel fucking schizophrenic at times.

I hope everything will sort itself out....

Wasp

2009-08-20T12:25:00.000-07:00

//Claky! says:
AGGH THAT FUCKING WASP ON THE BUS
//Claky! says:
i forgot to rant
//Claky! says:
right
//Claky! says:
there was this wasp
//Claky! says:
and it grabbed me
//Claky! says:
i spazzed
//Claky! says:
as you do
//Claky! says:
it buzzed at my face
//Claky! says:
then went to sleep for abit on the back window
//Claky! says:
then was like
//Claky! says:
NYER IM BACK BITCH
//Claky! says:
dive bombings ensued
//Claky! says:
then it flew off and bugged this girl
//Claky! says:
then it went out the window
//Claky! says:
the end

Ebbie appears to be offline...

2009-08-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

So. Fucking. Hyper.

My face really hurts.

2009-08-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday in Skegness with some friends.
I spent the day before that at the Pokemon Village Fete with two really close friends.
I was ill...
...But I had an amazing time on both occasions.

I'm currently head over heels in love with this anime. It's called Kaiba. It's one of the most mind bending things I have ever experienced and I love every minute of it. The animation is beautiful yet simple. The characters are polar opposites and its easy to tell whether they are good or evil simple by glancing at them. My favourite body character is Baru.

Synopsis:
It is now possible to store memory data, so that the death of your body is not actually "death". As memories are stored in databanks, they can be "transferred" to new bodies. Because so-called "memory trading" now occurs, it is now possible to steal memories and illegally alter them. Society has fallen apart as authority has become lost and stagnant. One day, a man awakens in a ruined room. His name is Kaiba. He has no memories, but he does have a pendant with a picture of an unknown woman inside. In the skies are roiling clouds and electrical storms, impossible to pass without losing one's memories; above them lies the elusive realm of the rich and powerful, who barter others' bodies and memories for their own enjoyment and longevity. Below lies a troubled and dangerous world where good bodies are hard to come by and real money is scarce. After suddenly being attacked, Kaiba escapes into space, and during his travels meets all sorts of people and regains his memories. Throughout it, he continues to be troubled by the world's problems, as well as his own existence. And what of the woman in the pendant, Neiro?

I've been in an odd zen filled mood over the past few days. I've never felt like this before. It's an odd, constant nostalgia, i'm happy but there is a hint of underlying sadness that I can't seem to shake. I get really excited at the prospect of human contact but switch to blind rage instantly at anything that I can find that I don't agree with.
I miss people already.
I've been listening to alot of Owl City, Her Space Holiday and Julia Nunes while drinking. Simply because I have nothing better to do.

It makes me sad that I can't even afford to leave the house.

Anyone know anyone at all cause if there's a real problem then why stall hit me, I'm as ready as I'm gonna be I'm trying to find a happy medium I'm starting to think it isn't here If you see me face down with a magnifying glass I'm warning you to not come near Can we get past all the eye rolls and angry sighs get it over with so I can apologise for the first time for the last time for the millionth time I should start a line can I help who is next dump all your problems I wont be complex cause at 3 am when my eye lids sag I sure don't mind being your punching bag

It's not my fault i'm built differently.

Japanese Gum

2009-08-01T03:21:00.001-07:00

I used to know this boy
Who took notes in a book
But he ripped out all the pages
Before I got a look
At all the words he scribbled
At all the lines he filled
But the ink stains on his fingers
Told me he was skilled
At capturing a feeling
That most of us just miss
The simple pain of living
With goodbyes on our lips
I found one of the pages
Crumpled by her bed
And this is how it read

It's not like I am weak
Or that I don't know how to leave
It's just that every time you cheat
You bring me closer to defeat

Until there's nothing left to love
Until there's nothing left to say
I know that you need help
But even I can't save you from yourself

>__>

2009-08-01T02:10:00.001-07:00

Nothing going on with me.

I'm going out today though, going to Mansfield to meet some friends, have some lulz.

Sunday i'm going to Pokemon Event on the riverbank with Ebbie.

Monday i'm going to Joe's.

Tuesday I think i'm going down Mansfield again with James, Kerry, Damo, Joe, Randall and Corey for Damo's birthday.

Wednesday I need to get my hair cut.

Thursday REST!

I'm not feeling to great this morning. I'm sure once I meet up with everyone it'll be fine. Oh, I need to go put my camera on charge.

I don't know if i'll take it though cause it looks like its going to rain really heavy.

It just started raining. FFS.

Bye, i'm going to go get food and then read manga for abit until I need to leave to catch my train.

2009-07-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

2009-07-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

PISS OFF~!

Nosey bitch...

Don't get me wrong.

2009-07-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

I love James.

But I could happily punch him square in the fucking throat sometimes.

Edumactaion.

2009-07-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

I'm stupidly excited about getting back into a routine involving college. I start Confetti tomorow and its all I have been thinking about all day. The first 3 days are the induction where we work in a group to produce a short film in 18 hours. I've been sat here all day thinking about all those video ideas I just threw out because I didn't have the man power to create them, but with this new start some of them may actually be made.

Also the prospect of meeting new people is what makes me most excited. Although... in the back of my mind theres still the thought that I might be that kid that no one likes. But a large portion of my mind is also screaming "FUCK THAT!" If i'm gonna get done, what I want done. Then i'm just going to have to be this whole new person.

Anyway, back to cutting up some video and filling out my work book. Bye!

2009-07-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure my friends don't want to be my friends anymore...

Humans

2009-07-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

I don't really see the point in trying anymore...

Cute

2009-07-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

Lately i've felt the need to go back and enjoy the things I loved as a kid. I start my new college next week. Monday the 20th. It's going to be a whole new experience, with people who are serious about moving into the media. Not like my last college, where it's "show up, mess around with friends, have a laugh and end up with a half arsed piece of work." This is serious.

So before I get myself into the more 'serious' mind set, I want to have a chance to enjoy the childish things I like. Obviously i'm not creative so the only thing I could think to do is watch lots of old cartoon shows I used to like. I've been working my way through Pokemon and Digimon. But I still want to watch new things. I did some looking around for cute, childish anime's I could get into and this is what I found.

-Moyashimon
-Kaiba
-Hiyorimi

The stories are deeper while the animation is interesting and different. Not so much in Moyashimon but in Kaiba, it's not traditional anime style. I like that.

Moyashimon is about a normal guy who has been able to see microbes as small characters floating around in the air since he was a child and now he is going to an agrculture Uni in japan. He uses his ability to stop the spread of infection and further his research. The little microbes can talk and have their own 'Micorbe theatre' at the end of each episode. Its cute xD

Okay, I don't know where this post is headed, but i'm gonna finish off. I was going to make a Vlog today but there were builders here and I was woken up by drilling so I wasn't in the best of moods. It's most likely going to happen tomorow. I'm going to go have a shower and then sit and watch Kaiba for the rest of the day. Thats being productive.

Bye!

The Birthday Massacre/Raggedy Angry

2009-07-11T05:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't been awake too long.

Last night was so much fun.

It's a shame Ebbie didn't feel well.

I grabbed the singer's head.

I got back and fell asleep straight away.

I don't think i've been to a gig where I laughed so much.

It was hilarious.

If you want a good review go ask Simon, he writes awesome ones, I obviously don't. haha

I'm going back to bed because I feel extremly sick. But i'm in an amazing mood.

:D

Last post, Explanation.

2009-07-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

www.freakydreams.com

CAVE
To dream that you are walking in a dark cave, signifies refuge or the unconscious mind. It also denotes that you experience some unexpected misfortune or disagreement.

MONSTERS
To see faceless creatures in your dream, indicates a situation you are refusing to see or confront, but are aware of it in some passive way. This dream also suggests that something in your life is bringing up feelings of fear and insecurities.

GIRLS
To see a girl in your dream, represents your playful, innocent, and childlike nature. Perhaps you have been behaving prematurely.

WHIRLPOOL
To see a whirlpool in your dream, signifies great and imminent danger in your business affairs and disgrace to your reputation.

NURSE
To see a nurse in your dream, denotes that you need to be taken care of and a time of healing, either mentally, physically or spiritually.

CHILDHOOD
To dream of your childhood, indicates your wish to return to a life where you had little responsibility and worries. It also represents innocence. Alternatively, it suggests that certain aspects of your childhood has not yet been integrated into your adult personality. Or on the other hand, some childhood anxiety has yet to be resolved in your adult life.

EGGS
To see cracked or broken eggs in your dream, denotes that you will suffer from many disappointments and misfortunes. It is indicative of a fragile state in your life and feelings of vulnerability. Alternatively, you may be breaking out of your shell and being comfortable with who you are.

ILLNESS
To dream of an illness in your dream, denotes despair, unpleasant changes, and an emotional breakdown. The illness may be symbolic of your inability to cope with a situation and you see that being ill is an easy way out. On a more direct note, this dream may signal you to pay close attention to your health especially to the areas of body revealed in the dream.

EXPLOSIONS
To hear the sound of a loud explosion, but you did not see it, signifies that your troubles will soon be replaced with tranquility after you have overcome some small obstacle.

PANIC
To dream that you are in a panic, indicates a lack of control and power in your life. You may be feeling helpless in some situation or unable to make a clear decision.

HOUSE
To see an old, run-down house in your dream, represents your old beliefs, attitudes and how you used to think or feel. A situation in your current life may be bringing about those same old attitudes and feelings. Alternatively, the old house may symbolize your need to update you mode of thinking.

KITCHEN
To see a kitchen in your dream, signifies your need for spiritual nourishment. It also forewarns that you will be met with some depressing news.

SPIDERS
To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. If you kill a spider, it symbolizes misfortune and general bad luck.

Is it weird that alot of this makes sense to me?

Dreams

2009-07-06T05:04:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from a fucking horrible dream and I kinda wanted write out what happened here before I forget it.

There are some bits in this that are fucking bizzare and sound comical but they were really scary and I feel awful because of it.
I suck at explaining.

START!
I woke up on a rough rocky ground, stumbling to my feet I looked around me and saw a giant cave, me and some unamed girl (we are apparently friends) were stood on smaller cave hallway that lead into this large cave room. We stood on the edge looking up to the top and then down to the bottom but you couldn't see anything. But all around the outside of this huge cave you could see small little hallways leading in, just like the ones we were stood in. On each of these balconys there were monsers (that resembled the vampire monsters from Blood the last vampire) They all stopped and stared as us, as a deep echo came from the bottom of the larger cave. I huge whirlpool of water began to rise up, knocking these monseters away from the balconys and it was getting closer to ours. So me and this girl ran out through the back of the hallway we were in which came out into like an american suburb. (WTF) Where we met up with my mum, my brother and tony. This is where the girl just randomly disappears.

Then theres a huge gap i dont remember

Then we were sat in my old house's living room when my mum turned to me and said "do you want to see him?" i said yes and this woman came out carrying a small child, like 5 or 6 years old wrapped up in blankets with wires coming out of his nose. She placed the child in my arms next to me, I pulled the blankets back from his face and it was a younger version of myself. He could hardly breathe and wasnt well at all. He had a problem where his skin grew new layers ontop of itself but the layers were made from egg shells, and it just broke away. So for a while i was sat there in my old house cradling an unconious younger version of myself. I was told to rub his stomach to make him feel better. Thats all that we did for a while.

After a little while a yellow labrador walked in through the door and sided up next to me, and we just sat there.

Later there was a huge explosion outside and we were told we had to leave, I didn't want to leave the young version of myself but the woman who brought him in was shouting at me in gibberish and took him away, as my family grabbed me and forced me to leave. we ran down the street into some random abandoned house. The dog still with us, my brother went off looking around while me, my mum, tony and this dog waited in the kitchen.

I got my iPod out and started listening to some music, when i hit the floor, i just black out unexpectedly. I could still hear everything going on around me and i could feel everything to. I felt my mum lift me up and put my head on her lap while tony rang for an ambulance. My brother came rushing in and he said "if you want to save him plug that white extension there into his iPod" (WTF) so tony reached down and plugged it into the ipod in my hand, and i came to. I was really drowsy and stumbled across the kitchen when i realized i had things in my mouth. I began to spit them out and thats when i realised my mouth was full of spiders. As i spat them out they ran across the kitchen floor and under the cabinets, some had died and were just lying where i spat them out, looking up at me.

Its about that time the i woke up. I had a horrible feeling in my mouth, and obviously because of this dream i though it was spiders so i started spitting into the bin next tp my bed and rushed downstairs to et some milk.

I think that's the most fucked up dream i have ever had. and the thing about the baby version of myself really upset me and I don't know why.

I can tell today is gonna be really shit for me. So if you read this before you talk to me, sorry if im not very talkative. I'm thinking I might just spend the rest of the day on the sofa with my duvet and watch some films/.....

Don't you wanna get out of Cape Cod?

2009-07-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, i'm not so buzzed anymore.

Out of my list from before, this is all I did.

-Drink some more!
-Hang out with the aunite!
-Actually talk to people online!

Right, so this is just going to be really short, because I want to go to bed and listen to some music. Get some zen going.

Kay, I didn't get to talk about that thing, with that person. It will happen very soon though. I promised myself.

This is why I shouldn't have a blog, I can't stay on one subject, i'm just all over the place. But today has been a strange day. Dizzying highs and really bad lows. It's made a change which in the end is a good thing. I'm thinking i'm just gonna blog about 'that thing' tomorow if I don't get a chance to talk about it before.

Okay, whatever. Goodnight world.

Terrance was a shy turtle.

2009-07-05T08:16:00.001-07:00

Today's Goals:

-Drink some more!
-Hang out with the aunite!
-Actually talk to people online!
-Listen to Vampire Weekend non-stop!
-Think of something interesting for my 100th dailybooth!
-Play mario tennis!
-Have a shower, yeah that'd be a good idea to!
-Finish everything with exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Take some photos of stuff!
-HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
-Vlog, bleh, do that tomorow!
-Finish reading the new Haruhi Manga!
-Tidy up my bedroom!
-Finish my poster wall!
-Talk about that thing with someone! hmm...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LETS GET STARTED, I'm rather hyper active right now, but i'm not going out anywhere.

HURRAY FOR HAVING HARDLY ANY FRIENDS =D

I want to play some Tennis more than ever now. now now now.

I'm excited for the birthday massacare!!!

HFDSAHDKJSKLDA

BYE

2009-07-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

ಠ_ಠ

2009-07-02T14:04:00.000-07:00

I need to go to a party.

At an emtpy house
Where everyone gets wasted
but nobody gets sick
nobody gets upset
nobody has to leave
everybody passes out at the same time
anything that is suggested, is done
games
walk down the street
climb on the roof
no ambulances
no puke
no drugs
just a time when everyone can let loose without worrying about anything.

Yhea... That'd be nice.

Heat Wave

2009-07-01T14:38:00.000-07:00

The heat wave is begining to pass, today wasn't as bad as the rest of the week. I ventured outside to spend most of the day basking in the sun, playing fetch with my dog and reading paper towns in the summer house. I feel like today was actually worth getting up for because I didn't spend it on the computer.

Okay, so on tuesday I went to see Blood the last vampire with Ebbie, it was an awesome film. The cgi blood and monsters were made of abit of fail but it was still extremly entertaining to watch. The story line was incredible, I got whipped up into this little world of vampire monsters, cheesy metaphors and old japanese samurai. There was one thing that bothered me. The ninjas and even the main character Saiya kept doing this one move, involving a sword. and their enemies crotch. and alot of slicing. it wasn't cute.

For the rest of the day I dragged Ebbie into a bunch of retro shops, which she hated. But then we went to page 45 and she bought a couple of Mangas, so I hope I didn't piss her off too much. She hasn't been online since so i'm really worried about her.

My confetti forms still havn't arrived, which is starting to stress me out.

and the next post will be based around people, I just had a few things I wanted to talk about first.

Over the next few weeks i'm going to go on a health binge.
David (Daviddaybreak on dailybooth) has been talking about how he's been drinking (i don't remember how much) water a day to clear up spots. I'm thinking i'm gonna try that, i'm going to start going to bed at a reasonable time rather than 3 in the morning, and i'm going to try and get up at a normal time. I'm still going to eat everything I normally eat. I'm going to be excercising aswell. Don't be expecting mountains of muscles or anything anytime soon, although that would be awesome, when I say working out I mean running around outside with the dog, sit ups, para para (yes I hate to admit it but para para is on the list) It's good cardio!

Okay, i'm going to finish off and head to bed. Good night!

P.S.
(I used to think I looked like this guy ahaha)

2009-06-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

A series of posts.

2009-06-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Okay it is unaturally warm today.

Okay, so I spent last night at James' house, it was really fun. We had a few drinks and joked around then went up to Asda where we saw Randall and talked with him for a while. We got back and just hung out until Damo arrived, then for the rest of the night we just watched film after film, we watched, Terminator 1, Stormship Troopers the movie and the Mask. We were going to watch Matilda aswell but it was half 6 in the morning when the mask finished. So we decided against it. Me and Damo stayed up and played the DVD who wants to be a millionaire, the questions were fucking hard! I failed on the first question so many times it wasn't funny. I think the most we got to was $8,000.

Okay, so I decided on the way home that I thought it might be a good idea to actually base my blog on something. So the next few posts are gonna be based around people. 1 Post, 1 Person. Maybe friends, maybe famous people. Whatever.

/TANGENT

I'm actually begining to believe in fate. Because lately the sorts of things that have been happeneing to me are to 'convinient' just to be coincidences.

Ok, lately i've been feeling very different about myself and the people around me, i've actually started thinking about relationships and crushes and all that fun stuff...
While I was having a rant about being fed up of being single to James and Kerry, I get a text, from Kerrie (IKNOWWTF?) saying "I love you"
Kerrie can go jump off a bridge for all I care (Horrible person, I know) but yeah, we never talk, i'm pretty sure she's the only one that actually wants to have a conversation. Then out of the blue she comes onto MSN bitching about her boyfriend and asking about my love life.

W

T

F

?

So, that's just one example of things that have been happening. I don't want to linger on it for too long cause I get pissed off.

Final Summation:

-Crushes that won't go anywhere fucking suck.
-Kerrie is a bit of a dick.
-James and Kerry want me to go swimming with them. NONONONONONO. no.
-My mobile phone has broken, none of the keys work properly
-IM GETTING A MACBOOK ON TUESDAY OMG :DDDDD
-Its warm D:

Au revoir~~~~

The Note

2009-06-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

read for all the people with an MJ opinion

Today at 01:55

to all the haters who say he deserved to die....
your all idiots MJ was a revolutionary artist that inspired all the genres of music that we have today. you should all be ashamed of yourself for saying anything like that... you dont know him so stop it...
your all twats to say things tlike that and he will be missed. his music is legendary and you people who have said its good thst he is no longer alive dont deseve an opinion and to be fair you dont deserve to be alive... dont be so close minded. my and my best friend have been cyring our eyes out since we heard nd i know that if one person makes a joke than ill spark them out... really... he doesnt sdeseve this. have a little decency and grow up... gain some respect for someone who has changed the history of music and JUST GRoW UP FGS

for all the fans...
we will carry on listening to MJ because we love his music and will carry on his legacy and make sure he is not forgotten
RIP MJ 'you are not alone'
xXxXx Layla Hogarth wearing her michael jackson tshirt :((

Fumes

2009-06-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling rather shite to be quite honest.

I just got back from town, I went in to hand CV's out but not one place I went to would accept it, they either said "We aren't taking applications" or "Try again nearer to christmas". It pissed me off so I went and bought some new clothes, as you do. Because I remember a time when all I used to buy was clothes, I kinda miss that.
So after wandering around on my own for a while I though "Fuck it" and came home. I was meant to meet up with Ebbie but she wasn't feeling well and had to cancel and James was at work so he couldn't come down.

Lacking in friends, I has it.

I don't know what to do with the rest of my day now. I'm tempted to put my camera on charge and have a walk down to the river trent and go film some stuff and take photos. That usually makes me feel better. But then again, same problem, i'd be on my own. I was hoping that today I would walk into some shop, offer my cv and get a job there and then, so I had some way of actually meeting new people from Nottingham. It bugs me that my closest friend, physically and metaphorically is 15 miles away at the least. I've ranted about this before.

I'm starting to think that once I get to confetti everything will get better, but to be honest i'm not convinced, I think i'm gonna be that weird kid, that has no friends, works on his own, doesn't talk to anyone. Yeah that fits my description pretty much.

I just wish I wasn't so fucking childish and I could actually have an adult conversation with someone. Yet, I find myself yearning for the times I had in lower school. Not a care in the world.

I'm in one of those mood's where EVERYTHING pisses me off, the traffic going by my window is pissing me off but I can't close my window or it will be too warm, every song in my iTunes is pissing me off.

I don't know what i'm gonna do once I post this, probably just float around on the internet for a while then head out. It's better than being sat here.

bye

Meet me in Poketopia

2009-06-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

So today like most days has been very pokemon heavy. This has been my routine for the past few weeks.

1: Wake up
2: Food
3: Watch a new episode of pokemon
4: Look at fan art of the main pokemon of the episode i'm watching
5: Listen to sweeney todd soundtrack
6: Play pokemon platinum
7: Repeat from step 3

I was supposed to go into town today to hand in CV's but I woke up too late, i'm going tomorow with Ebbie so i'll try again.

I was hoping this would be an epicly long post but I can't think of anything to write due to the intense heatwave.
I'm watching the top layer of a Jaffa cake slowly melt on my desk. I should really move that. xD

Prom was epic. Best night of my life.

Okay something thats been bugging me.
Religion, it keeps sticking its head into my life. I was at someones blogtv show while he was ranting and raving about christianity and how all other religions are wrong, that kind of annoyed me so I clicked out, went to check my twitter to find a link to a music video entitled "God hates the world" I listened to it twice, it made me super angry because Shirley Phelps Roper needs to DIE. Seriously, incase you don't know who she is, she is a christian protester who invades soldiers funerals holding up signs saying "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS" and "GOD HATES FAGS" all these ignorant, stupid signs that are basically just spreading hate.
I've never been a huge fan of the christian belief system and its mainly because of idiotic acitivists like her. Growing up if you wer'nt decided on which religion you wanted to follow, by default you were chirstian. I didn't like that.

Shirley Phelps Roper:

I'm going to stop talking about this now because i'm pissing myself off. So...

Today is too warm, jaffa cake is melting, mememolly videos make me happy, pokemon is good and religion is something i dont want to think about.

Awesome

AU REVOIR!

Blogging!

2009-06-12T13:16:00.000-07:00

I need to get back into the swing of updating this.

Mood: Acceptable

So today like most days has been pokemon heavy. Today pokemon platinum finaly arrived and i've been playing on it since I woke up at half 10. I've just stopped playing.

Okay so there is this person in my life, this person is a massive DICK. and I fucking hate her. Her name is Gardenia. She is the Leader of the second pokemon gym in Sinnoh. I cannot defeat her, even with the help of Ebbie's vulpix, I can't beat. heeeerrrrr.
(Side note = Ebbie's vulpix doesn't even listen to me anyway xD)

Okay of track for a minute, I've got both my windows open right now and I heard a woman scream "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!" followed by a group of teenagers wearing black hoodies running down her drive and off up the street.
So all those rumors that used to go around in lower school like "If you go to Nottingham you'll definatley get shot/stabbed/murk'd (?)" I'm starting to believe them and to be completely honest, i'm not feeling all that safe in my city anymore. On the bus coming home yesterday I was sat at upstairs at the front looking out the big window, my bus rounded a corner where there had been a car accident, the bus got a little closer and turns out, there were a group of people running around hitting the car with cricket bats. Just as the bus pulled away one of them smashed the windscreen. They were chasing after the people and swinging at them aswell.
NEIGHBOUR WATCH UPDATE:
Kay, the police just pulled up, so i'm expecting a night of shouting and screaming next door again.

I think i'm going to give that gym another go in a minute. It'll be the last time today. I'm gonna try and make my blog posts more about me rather than the video games i'm playing.

Love!
x

This is going to be sad.

2009-06-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Sad - Pathetic and Lame

not

Sad - :(

Okay, so this post is going to be about the video game series Dragon Quest. More specifically Dragon quest VIII Journey of the Cursed King. This game was incredible. Easily the best game I have ever played. The characters were just incredible and funny.
Here comes the sad part
I know its weird to say but I think i'm alot like the main character of dragon quest VIII, I don't really want to explain why but the way he reacted to each situation in the story was exactly how I would have reacted. The only difference between us is that he's actually willing and able to fight. xD He pwns some slimes while I sit and watch. It's not just that but his whole back story was just incredible, i'm not gonna go into it, if you really want to know, go bu the game and experience its sheer awesomeness. I've made a promsie to myself that I will collect and complete all the Dragon Quest games I can by the end of the year. I'm playing Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker at the moment, but its nothing compared to VIII. It just feels like a rip off of pokemon.

Finaly got the media exam out of the way, it wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be, but I feel like revising with Simon helped ALOT. It was awesome and calmed me down haha THANKYOU SIMON :D

I just have 1 general studies exam left but I most likely not going to write anything for that because I don't need the grade for that lesson so it doesn't make a difference to me if I get an A* or a U.

I'm gonna go back to owning some monsters now. I still need to complete dragon quest swords on the Wii. Thats a good game. Ciao for now! ew ew ew since when do I say ciao?

here is a collection of Dragon Quest Protagonists:

Poster Wall

2009-06-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today has been the most painful day I have experienced in some time. Firstly I was woken very abruptly by my mother bursting into my room shouting that I have an exam and this is the last time shes going to wake me up, to my knowledge it was the first time she'd tried. Okay, so she gave me a lift down to the bus stop and I sat at there trying my hardest to try and get the pending exam out of my mind by reading 'Paper Towns' but the elderly woman sat next to me insisted on asking what I was reading, what school i'm going to and why the sky was blue. She didn't ask that but in all of her question's i'm sure it could have easily cropped up. Finnaly my bus arrived but to my dismay it was the 3A, the bus that takes the long way around to get to my college. So I sat there for 50 minutes trying to read my book, but the lower species known as 'chavs' got on and insisted on playing music through their mobiles on the loudest setting the tinny little speakers could muster.

Okay, so we finnaly pulled up outside school where I rushed in to try and find out where I was seated for my exam, but a group of lower years had decided to stand right in front of the lists, full well knowing people were rushing trying to get in to find their seats.

I found I was in gym one, I turned round and saw the first good thing today, a friendly face! I saw Simon and stood with him for a a bit while we discused the exam. Then the invidulator opened the doors and everyone began to flood in. I found my seat and the following 2 hours 15 minutes were the most painful experience in my life. General studies, spec A. Why Jenny Plamer should have told her school that she was dyslexic which ended up having her embarsed in front of her class. A thrilling story. I wrote 5 pages and then gave up and sat there for 25 minutes. The next test began, I wrote my name, began question one, wrote about 6 lines and stopped. I don't need the grades these exams offer so it's no difference to me if I get an A* or a U. I have the grades I need for confetti and I won't be in education again after that so theres no point. So I sat patientley for 1 hour and 15 minutes.

The next part isn't as bad. We all hung around in sixth form while Simon helped Laura revised and me and Ebbie had lulz.

Then we went to the bus, as soon as Ebbie got off, all hell broke loose. It wasn't too bad as I was submerged in the story of Margo Roth Spiegelman while The Postal Service played in my ears. I took my headphones out and put Paper Towns away after entering Nottingham, to look around and see only 6 or 7 other people on the bus. They were the most disgustingly horrible people I have ever had the misfortune of sharing a bus with. One old man with his wife insisted on burping every 2 minutes, not a subtle burp, the kind of burp drunk teenagers do to try and get a laugh out of their drunk friends. I mean LOUD and ghastly smelling. Then the bus almost crashed into a van, as the van pulled away the old man noticed the driver of the van was a black man and decided it would be a smart idea to shout "ITS A NIGGA! WOG! SPOOK!"

...

I have no patience for people like this, what is wrong with them, and why are they, not to sound too elitist, but why are they allowed to breathe the same air as me.

xD

Wow. i'm a horrible person, but so were they.

Thats my day in a nutshell. A really big nutshell.

BYE! x

OMGLOL

2009-06-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

We were discussing pokemon diamond, and the whereabouts of the gym leader.

Claky! says:
FUCKING EARING BRRRAAAAAHHHHH *throws at wall metphorically*

Ebbie;; says:
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GYM LEADER?!?!?!?

//Claky! says:
AAAGGGHHHH WENT SHOPPING

Ebbie;; says:
LOL YOU ARE FUNNY

//Claky! says:
LOL THATS WAT SHE SAID

Ebbie;; says:
LOL YOUR MOTHER

//Claky! says:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL AAAGGGHHH THROW A BRICK

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOL I'M IN A CHRUCH. REFRAIN FROM THROWING UR BRICKS

//Claky! says:
LOLOLOL JESUS CHRIST VS PHILOSORAPTOR!

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL SHE'S NOT IN THE CHURCH

//Claky! says:
LOL WHAT A WHORE I HERD SHE LIEKS SATAN

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOLOL I NEED A CUTE POKEMON TO GO ON A WALK WITH LOL

//Claky! says:
LOLOL PIKACHU IS QUITE CUTE AKSHULLY

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOL I DON'T HAVE ONE YET LOLOL

//Claky! says:
LOL GOTTA CATCH EM ALL FAIL

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL IT SAYS LUXRAY IS NOT CUTE THOUGH WHEN IT IS.
Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL ESPA ROBA SHOUTING.

//Claky! says:
LOL ITS FEELINGS WERE HURT, LUXRAY FAINTED. TAKE TO PKMN CENTER KTHX

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOL I HAVE A PKMN FOLLOWING ME AND THE GYM LEADER IS STILL NOT HERE

//Claky! says:
THE POKEMON IS THE GYM LEADER OMG NO WAI

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL BABY CHANSEY

//Claky! says:
LOL DOES IT HAVE MINI EGGS
//Claky! says:
LOLOLOLOL

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL IT ISN'T YOSHI LOLOL

//Claky! says:
LOLOL THIS IS GOING IN MAH BLOG, YOSHI DATES A TRANNY

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL YOSHI DATING A TRANNY FTW! LOLOL

//Claky! says:
ITS FUNNY COS THEY BOTH HAVE PENISES BUT YOSHI DOESNT KNOW LOLOLOLOL

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
YOSHI ISN'T A BOY, OR A GIRL LOLOLOLOL

//Claky! says:
GENDER CONFUSION! OMG LOL

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
ROFLMAO LOLOLOL

//Claky! says:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL WINRAR HAXZORDS

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOLOL SHE'S STILL NOT HERE

//Claky! says:
WHERE ARE U LADY!?

//Claky! says:
SHES WEARIN A MASSIVE PURPLE DRESS, HOW CAN U NOT FIND HER

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL CAUSE SHE'S NOT WHERE SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE. SINNOH GYM LEADERS NEVER ARE.

//Claky! says:
OH NOES

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
THIS ROUTE IS NEW TO ME. I SHALL GO THIS WAY

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
ACTUALLY THIS ROUTE IS NOT NEW TO ME. I AM MISTAKEN.

//Claky! says:
THIS IS NOT RELEVANT TO UR INTERESTS

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
CLAKY, I AM LOST.

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
AND THERE IS A BIDOOF. IT IS NOT RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS.

Claky! says:
OMG BIDOOF :B

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
OMF ROFLCOPTER

//Claky! says:
MY ROFLCOPTER GOES SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI THERE ARE NO BIDDOFS THO

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
THE BIDOOF PILOTS THE ROFLCOPTER

//Claky! says:
ITS FUNNY CAUSE IT HAS NO THUMBS!

//Claky! says:
SHUN THE NONE THUMB BEAST!

Ebbie;; where stars glitter like a seventies disco. says:
LOLOL BLOG

Don't go in the tall grass alone.

2009-06-01T12:58:00.001-07:00

So today has been one of those days, you know youve done alot but it hasn't felt like it. I've been sat outside reading Paper Towns and playing pokemon Blue. For the past 4 hours i've been sat watching The Office aswell. It has been fun. This week has been really quiet. I spent saturday with Ebbie which was so much fun, the most fun i've had in a while. But besides that i've been home. When I say quiet I don't mean boring I literally mean quiet. Usually where i'd be sat playing a video game I would have music playing or if I was on the computer i'd have a video playing in the background or TV or something... I don't know, its been nice to be alone with my thoughts but its getting kind of lonely. I don't know who said it but someone once said if your left alone with nothing but your thoughts for too long you'll go insane.
It's not been like this by my own free will, MSN won't let me sign in, so i've been cut off from all the people I would normally talk to. My family have been busy with their own projects so I havn't really spoken to them either. It's starting to feel like i'm going to go insane if I stay in this house much longer. All I find myself doing is Flipping back and forth between website to see if anything has been updated. I know that sounds sad... and it really is but there is nothing that I can focus my attention on so i'm stuck in the cycle.

Body Conscious;
This is the next subject. Okay, so i've been feeling horrible about my body again. I know my friends are amazing and I shouldn't feel conscious about myself when i'm with them but I can't help it when it comes to my body. I've never been comfortable with it. I try and laugh it off and say 'oh it's fine, im fine with it so you should be' so it seems normal to people but inside it just doesn't feel right. Here is a list of things I don't like about my body:

Hair (Style)
Eyes (Bags under neath)
Nose (Huge)
Mouth
Shoulder (Boney)
Spine (Boney)
Ribs (Stick out)
Elbows (Boney)
Stomach (Flabby)
Feet (Nails)

Insecurity is a bitch. But I feel like i'm starting to get over some of these things. I'm also starting to feel at ease with who I am now. I shouldn't feel bad about what I like, what I look like, what I sound like. All these things aren't my fault, its the nature I was given when I was created and I should be proud of what I am. Because theres nothing I can do about it.

I miss my friends, I'm going to get in touch with Damo, James and Joe at some point this week to see if they want to go down mansfield because I miss those guys so much. I miss the routines we used to have.
I need to get in touch with Simon, Laura and Ebbie aswell, because I want to see if I can arrange something for thrusday because I know me Laura and Simon have an exam and it'd be nice to see those guys again, me and Ebbie can show them our epic roof jumping skills. Yeah.

Jumping to a new subject:
Saturday, Mine and Ebb'es epic roof adventures.
So I met Ebbie in town just after 12 o'clock on saturday so we could walk around town and spend some time together because we promised it to each other when we left, that because theres 15 miles between us all, we'll still meet up and go places. So we wandered around town for a while just taking in the scenary when we ran out of places to go, so I suggested we go up on the multi-story car park. Why not? So we walked up there and had an awesome time, taking photos and scarying ourselves by looking over the edge. Eventually the heat got too much and we headed back down. It was an amazing day.

Wow this post is dragging on abit. I think i'll leave it here. I'm going to watch one more episode of the office and then go make some Cutlets and Rice and sit down to watch Battle Royale.

Au Revoir!

Oh! we've booked our holiday to france. In 'This book will change your life' there is a whole week dedicated to going to France and we've booked it on those dates so my challenges can be done and I can finnaly see Paris in all it's Christmas time glory.

Au revoir mon ami!

x

Bat Country

2009-05-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

My shoulders better! wahey!

Okay, so today has been very video game heavy. Contridicting what I said in my last post, i've been trying to rediscover all the things I used to like. I've been playing Ocarina of Time and Dragonball Z Budokai. I tried playing Okami again but thats just shit xD
I'm listening to Avenged Sevenfold aswell. WTF xD

I have to do my challenge in a moment. Its just to spark a random conversation with someone I don't usualy talk to. Thank god for facebook because I couldn't do it if it had to be in person xD

Right, I had an idea. I'm always complaing saying that I never have anything to do, so, i'm gonna start making the plans instead of waiting for other people. First of all i'm gonna get Ebbie, Damo and Badge round here so we can force Ebbie to complete Ocarina of Time. Have a real Zelda heavy day, I'll make cookies.

This post is really disjointed xD, I'm going into town early tomorow to hand out some CV's. and i'm getting a hair cut tomorow aswell. Not major short, just so it's not in my eyes too much.

any other unrelated topics I can jump to? ...

I need to start working out, i've been eating shit for like 3 weeks, and its starting to show xD need to get some excercise in.

Ok, i think that will do. AU REVOIR!
oh, i need to fill out my forms for confetti and sign up for night school to do french!.

Goodbye! x

Such Great Heights

2009-05-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

So my shoulder is still hurting.

I think it's about time for a meaningful blog cause all I ever post is bullshit.

I'm starting to get stressed out again at my lack of friends. I don't know what it is, I think i'm just one of those people whose not meant to have loads of friends. I want to be out of the house with people, doing things, not sitting at home on MSN and facebook and all these stupid things. It really gets me that I pretty much have only one person I can hang out with. If Ebbie can't do anything then thats it. Me on my own. I can't call James cause he's constantly working. I hardly talk to Joe anymore and Damo's at the gym every other day. and half the time I can't afford to get over to Kirkby in the first place.
I'm just finishing up on my CV, i'm thinking that if I can get a job some new people might come into my life and I can actually start acting like a normal 18 year old. You know, going out to town at the weekend, staying at peoples houses, maybe even getting back into looking for a relationship. I don't know, its all these fucking juvenile things that I constantly hang onto that make me feel that I can't get anywhere in life.
It sounds stupid but youtube and dailybooth are partly to blame. I see all these people out and about with all these friends doing things i've never even imagned. and their my age or even younger!
I don't think i've ever wanted a job more in my life. I don't think i've ever wanted to move out of my parent's house more in my life. I want a new life. I want to go to Confetti, meet new people, become closer to the people in my life now, and just get on with my future. I'm fed up of acting like a fucking child and being treated like one.

Wow, I don't know where that came from but there you go. I'm off to bed now cause my neck is still killing me.

Good night! x

Banged up

2009-05-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah so I woke up this morning feeling as though i'd been in some sort of high speed car crash. My limbs ache, my head hurts and i can't straighten out my neck. I'm in epic amount of pain. I couldnt get up to do my challenge today so yeah that sucks.

Hey remember when all of us were always together? and we were always doing things? yeah I miss that. Like the time we went to the digital world? heh heh good times.

So yeah I think i'm gonna go lay down. The pain in my neck is by far the worst and god its aggh. right thats it, im going. bye!

Télévision Educative

2009-05-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

¡Un, dos, tres, cuatro!
Hi, and welcome back to another episode of "Télévision Educative". Tonight, I'll show you how dreams are prepared. People think it's a very simple and easy process but it's a bit more complicated than that. As you can see, a very delicate combination of complex ingredients is the key. First, we put in some random thoughts. And then, we add a little bit of reminiscences of the day... mixed with some memories from the past. That's for two people. Love, friendships, relationships... and all those "ships", together with songs you heard during the day, things you saw, and also, uh... personal... Okay, I think it's one. There it goes. Yes! Yes.
Okay, we have to run.

Okay so ive been watching la science des rêves. I forgot how much i love this film.

and now im about to start editing together my video for today. I know its only Simon and Ebbie that read this but incase someone else happens to stumble acorss this blog. go check this out!
www.youtube.com/user/nicks365days
I've been following the book, 'This book will change your life' and making videos for each challenge in there.

Todays not been very eventful, watched pokemon, talked to Ebbie, watched science of sleep, and now i'm about to dailybooth and video edit.

Pointless post is pointless
Goodbye

Ps.: Ebbie+Simon! look at this LOL www.lolbook.nu